The chord “F”

The chord “F” is one of my nightmare when playing guitar because I never can press the full F no matter how hard I had try, so I gave up! I use the simple chord F instead of the full one, it sounds quite fine although some awkward moments when my fingers cannot cover all the strings.
You will understand if you know how to play guitar, or you will say I’m a chicken if you think F is so damn easy to play.

“I’ll teach you how to press the F” – said T in a night of September.

If he loves you, he will steal the stars and moon for you.
Damn true, but when he no longer love you, picking up a phone call from you cost a ton of his effort. Sad but true!

He has never taught me how to press the F, never. Actually, he hadn’t had any chance, we hadn’t had any chances. And there are things we hadn’t had any chances to do, there are things he hadn’t had any chances to make it happen.

It’s just not important. He, doing simple things for me because he wants to is more meaningful than doing the things because of his promises to me.

The night we watched the movie Inferno together at the cinema was the worst day with him ever in my life. “Of course I will go to the cinema with you, I made my promise” and it’s just him, physically appeared and watched the movie. Two people, two strangers!
To be honest, he should’t go with me and I shouldn’t insist to have him keeping his promise.
The moment he jumped to the other chair in 2 lines before our line to talk to his friend, leaving me alone behind with a totally awkward face was terrible, I was trying so hard for not crying. And then the moment when he told me to go home so he could stay and talked to his friend really knocked me down.

I never had any chances to tell him that, but I think it’s fair. For what I had told him on the day he traveled to Hanoi, I deserve his attitude like that, I guess.

The saddest thing in life is not breaking up, it’s when you see and feel the difference of a man when he loves you and when he loves you not, clear like crystal.
And I still cannot press the full F. And I’m still not a replacement.

A new journey

I submitted my resignation last Wednesday and got the official approval early today after having a talk with my big boss last week and another quick talk with both big bosses this morning.

“Having no offers and still decided to quit your job, are you crazy?”
Maybe! It’s hard to explain everything you do in life to people and it’s not necessary either. In my opinion, if you always play safe, you will never explore your hidden power. You will be trapped in what you are doing forever because you think you’re stable with it.
I want to have my time, take a step back, be balanced to find out who I really am, what I am good at, what I want to become.

I don’t want to become a successful person who earns a lot of money, who is powerful, who knows everything. Yes, money is important, but it’s not the only thing I have to have in life. Thinking about a simple job, 8 working hours is fine but not to much effort that I have to put to have enough money and time for family, for all the projects I want to do.

I’m writing my new pages now, all mine.

T texted me to ask about my father’s health. I was wondering why he had to do that but maybe he didn’t have to do that, he just did that. It’s completely tiring if you just sit and guess what people think when they do this or do that so I stopped myself from thinking too much about it. He is now a person whom I know, and yes if he wants to check on my father because he cares then it is it.

I told him a bit about my father’s health and shared with him that my father now is following one Master in traditional cure – the one he introduced me. To be honest, I’m very appreciated him for letting me know about the Master. He is a very devoted doctor and I admire him a lot.

Then T said what he had said before “Cố gắng lên em”, quite like “Be patient and keep fighting”. And it suddenly reminded me of our good time, of the very kind person I used to love.

Trust his kindness and treat him with kindness, as always.

December

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So here comes the month for family, greeting season, people gathering, etc. Furthermore, there are many beautiful decorations everywhere on the streets, inside buildings, etc. The month of wishes sending by friends to friends, lovers to lovers, partners to partners

December has started not so bad except the unexpected light rain last night which made the only Starbucks in town where is always quiet full of people and noise. However having a friend who is willing to offer you sweet drink to help you to get diabetes is good. And I have to admit GreenTea drink always makes me become so hyper, especially after drinking one big cup of beer at the Food festival.

The walking street was not to crowded, it’s been a long time since the last time I went there, maybe nearly 6 months. I didn’t know it now has Pikachu and Doraemon and Dinasour and Ton Ngo Khong =)), so funny.
Me and my friend had some fries of McDonald, well it’s unexpected awful before we observed a proposal of a man for a girl (of course it’s of a man for a girl). That was (might be) one of the most awkward proposal ever in the world because of so many silly things, the shortness of the girl’s dress, the way he pulled her to the water, and took her hand walking quietly far away from people because they were both shy. Anyway, the good thing was she said yes, well the crowd was too loud so I didn’t know if she said yes but I saw her allowed him to wear the ring on her finger and they kissed after that.
Welcome to marriage life =)) why am I so mean???

I laughed a lot, not the proposal, it’s the comfort when you can be with someone who you can talk and joke shitty freely. It’s been a month, more than a month, since the last time I could feel so comfortable to be with someone like that.

7 và 3

Vốn dĩ luôn còn đến bảy phần chìm dưới 3 phần nổi của một tảng băng cơ mà!

Có đôi lúc ra nhìn thấy ai đó khóc giữa chốn đông người, ta nghĩ rằng chắc hẳn người ấy quá đỗi yếu đuối, đến mức chẳng còn cảm thấy mắc cỡ khi khóc nấc ở nơi công cộng như thế này. Có thể đúng, nhưng ta đâu biết được đằng sau những giọt nước mắt đó  là câu chuyện như thế nào hoặc lỡ như người đó vừa phải đối mặt thêm với một chuyện khiến cho mọi thứ vốn đã trực trào bỗng chốc chạm tới cái giới hạn chịu đựng.

7 và 3 cũng giống như cái phong trào dùng hashtag “ngưng phán xét” rầm rộ cách đây không lâu, nhưng rồi cũng nhanh chóng chìm vào quên lãng. Thật lòng mà nói, bản thân không nên để việc ai đó suy nghĩ, phán xét về mình ảnh hưởng và chi phối chính mình quá nhiều. Lẽ đương nhiên thật khó để mà tránh khỏi việc cảm thấy khó chịu, tổn thương hoặc nhẹ nhất là lăn tăn suy nghĩ. Nhưng mà, họ mãi mãi không sống cuộc sống của mình, dù mình có muốn cũng không thể trông đợi ở họ việc nhìn thấy được bảy phần to lớn chìm bên dưới kia. Tự bản thân mình, phải hiểu được cái cốt lõi đó thôi.

“Nhạy cảm”
Phải, mình không phủ nhận việc bản thân là người rất nhạy cảm. Nhưng điều hoàn toàn chắc chắn sự nhạy cảm đó không phải đơn giản chỉ do những cơn lốc cảm xúc bồng bột nhất thời kéo ngang qua mà nó đã có một giai đoạn không ngắn xuyên xuốt ngấm càng lúc càng sâu.

Mà thôi thì ai nói sao cũng được.
Hãy cứ nghĩ là tất cả những gì người ta gây ra cho mình lúc này âu cũng là vì trước đó mình đã gây ra cho người ta một điều tương tự. Đó là quy luật cân bằng cảm xúc.

T

Thật ra mình biết rằng, đến một lúc nào đó mình sẽ phải đối mặt với cái cảm giác này và mình có lẽ đâu đó đã chuẩn bị sẵn sàng để đối mặt với nó.

Có những giấc mơ lạ thường, đôi lúc ghé thăm, có những câu nói dù chỉ tồn tại trong giấc mơ nhưng tự mình cảm thấy sao quá thật và cái chột dạ, cái hụt hẫng mang cả một chút đau nó thật sự hiện hữu chứ không phải mơ.

Có lẽ chỉ một thời gian nữa, mọi chuyện rồi sẽ ổn, tất cả những cảm xúc lấn cấn này rồi cũng sẽ trôi đi, cũng giống như tất cả những lần trước đây.
Còn nếu không, nó sẽ lại là một câu chuyện rất khác.

 

Day 20

It’s almost a month since the day we knew about the tumor in my Father’s lung and my Father has not taken any medicine yet. The curing process has not been started yet, and he is still suffering the pain and serious cough every single day. He is losing weight and we are losing our patience day by day.

One of our family friend told us that we should have “under table” money for the doctor because that hospital is famous with the story not to care about the patients unless they give the doctor money. Well, I guess we have to do what we really have to.

Yesterday was the Teacher’s Day. I believe that my Dad had a great day with many visits and wishes from his students. Not only yesterday but for 20 days, his heart has been fulfilling with all the loves from his teachers, friends, peers and students.
I told my Father “when I was young, I did not understand why saying I’m father Phong’s daughter could make me become so powerful =)), but now I understand it’s your long journey of sacrifices, efforts, caring and great passion”.

I believe to have so many people truly love him like that he has given the his true love to all of them in one way or another and it totally makes me completely admire him.

I just want to spend my time with him as much as possible, I want to see his smile everyday, it’s the first thing I want to see after waking up in the morning and before going to bed in the evening. I feel myself lucky to have that chance to be his daughter in this life and I still want to be in our next life. 

Dad, I know you will be fine, absolutely fine. I can see you smile happily in my wedding. I can see you laugh loudly holding your niece or nephew. Please Dad, be safe and sound.